Monday, 16 August 2010

The To-Do List, by Smutty

So, I asked friend to assign me tasks. And aside from a suggested chicken laying video, I got nothing. Complaining about the lack of response sent Smutty into action. He sent me this list of tasks to perform. As promised, any tasks that were relatively legal, safe and possible were to be completed.

I received these requests on August 3, 2010, and as of yet have completed mostly none (edit. I am now making good progress). I will be updating these as I complete them. Without further adieu, I give you ze list (and as to WHY I volunteered myself as a guinea pig in my own experiment? I was feeling blah and was looking to be challenged and/or amused)


A) advertise (any of) your freelance services through a channel you've never used. Track the results.
Working on it

B) get yourself off in 5 different parks throughput the next 5 days.
It technically took 6 days to complete this task. Today was a busy day.

Thursday, August 5
#1 Irene Avenue Park
Irene Ave, Toronto, ON
Circa 11:40PM
Was wearing short shorts and my hand just slid easily in. This was by far my boldest attempt, with houses and apartments surrounding on three sides. A very strange man came by soon after I finished and mumbled at me.

Friday, August 6, 2010
Dovercourt Park
Salem Ave., Toronto, ON
Circa 2:30PM
I had a little vibrating egg in my pants, but it was broad daylight. As soon as I got a groove going, two girls came and sat close enough to make me lose my groove, puffing on a joint they were. A seemingly stoned and swervy hipster passing directly in front of me, plus the mis-adjustment of the egg sealed the no-climax deal.

Monday, August 9, 2010
#2 North West Donlands trail, wooden plank bridge
Don Lands Bicycle and Walking path, Toronto, ON
Circa 4:00PM
I found this little spot today seeking shelter from the downpour. I was soaked, so I whipped my top off to ring it out. This aroused me. Yanked up my bra, breasts exposed, and came very quickly.

Geary Parkette
Geary Ave., Toronto, ON
Circa 11:30PM
I was spotted by a person on a balcony and lost my nerve. And then the cutest guy came by and we checked each other out. I regret not saying hello as I cycled past him. Considered flashing but knew it wouldn't meet the list parameters.

Dufferin Grove Park
Dufferin Street, Toronto, ON
Circa 11:55PM
Toronto parks are very, very well lit. And noisy. Lots of noises after it rains. Not to mention, many city parks are actually populated at night, people sleeping, kissing, etc.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Fred Hamilton Park
Shaw Street, Toronto, ON
Circa 12:10AM
Never even dismounted from my bike except to drink water. Very small park, and I noticed a couple on bikes.

#3 Bickford Park
Circa 12:20AM
Successfully rubbed one out amidst fog, while people roamed in the valley below, dogs barking, with the help of Nite Line, the sexier pick-up line!

#4 Dovercourt Park (see above)
Circa 12:45AM
Had something resembling a G-spot orgasm here. Was quite noisy with this one, even moaned, and I was exposed with bright lights and only a small shed to provide shadow and cover. Gave myself extra points for this one, while I didn't have a "technical orgasm".

#5 Hillcrest park
Christie and Davenport, Toronto ON
Circa 1:15AM
Again, the lovely masturbators on Nite Line helped me out. The park was pretty dark, and I was facing wooded areas, and had houses way behind me. People generally sleep in this park, and I considered the possibility that someone sleeping on a bench could have seen me. I don't think anyone was there, or saw me, but it's hard to tell. This was hands down the best orgasm of the night. My leg was wide across the bench and I was very exposed and swollen. I seemed to have sprayed cum, I felt like I did, but I found no actual evidence of this.

C) have a day without any sugar, weed, alcohol or other drugs this week, during which you drink at least 3 liters of water and get to sleep before 10:30.
Not sure I can do this one. I completed this but for one small joint and getting to bed at 11PM.

D) arrange 1 hr or more of massage for yourself
Um.... can't afford this at the moment, and I have no one in my personal life I am comfortable having massage me. I got a nice foot massage from several clients. They may total close to an hour in all.

E) do somebody else's dishes.
I did all of the dishes in the sink at work last week. Took about 2 minutes.

F) respond to a personal ad.
Done x 5. I'm on a dating site, so I've responded to a few. For the most part, I don't get answers to the ones I contact. I am talking to one guy who has piqued my interest, though he contacted me first.

G) pick a political topic that you feel strongly about, around which opinions and suggested tactics break down easily into a relatively simple binary split: either A or B. Research the side of the split that you don't support and write down 8 good reasons why that perspective is valid.

(I fully support the decriminalization of all types of CONSENSUAL sex work)
Valid reasons why sex work should not be decriminalized (not sure I can do 8, but let's try):
1. Pimps, traffickers, exploiters of sex workers will arguably have fewer obstacles.
2. The risk exists of corporatization of the industry if it becomes legal and more marketable to the mainstream population.
3. The possibility exists of further inflaming the problem of sexualization of young kids, especially girls, if sex work is glamorized as a result of legalization.
4. The government (or corporate entity/contractor) could impose ghastly fees on sex workers, similar to a stripper's license.
5. Sex workers could be unfairly targeted by public health as engaging in high-risk behavior
6. Anyone? Any other valid reasons?

H) expose yourself to the patrons of a bar patio
This is going to take some time. I want to get proof of this, so I will need an accomplice.

I) get yourself off imagining an action or scene that you believe you'd never, ever do. Keep that imagined action at the forefront of your mind the entire time you're masturbating.
Thuggish, sexist, macho type guys. Not even very attractive. Fucking me every which way. Anal, mouth, breasts, no condoms. Cumming all over me, in me, in my hair, eyes, nose. Spitting on me, talking ridiculously pornish dirty talk (ooh yeah, suck that big dick, you like that big cock huh bitch/slut, for example), violent, rough, disrespectful, and pressuring me to do things I'd already refused.

J) compliment 3 strangers about something they're doing or wearing that genuinely impresses you.
1. To the (very handsome) man dressed as a Napoleonic-type guard, I cried as I passed on my bike: "You look AWESOME!" He did.
2. I complimented some people in a car on Yonge Saturday night about the music they were playing. "Nice tunes!". I think they thought I was being sarcastic.
3. I complimented various women on their nails

H) let a female stranger catch you staring at their body. Lick your lips and keep staring.
There was a girl on the subway last week, but also last night. Old Weston, just south of Rogers. She was walking south on the East side. She noticed but sadly did not look back. The woman on the subway seemed not to notice.

I) write out the details of the imagined action you would never do and describe the process of getting yourself off thinking about it. Keep fingerprints, identifying details about yourself, hair, skin, etc off the paper if the scene you describe is going to alarm people. Leave the paper in a busy public place.
I'm trying to decide where to leave it.

K) spend an hour nonstop doing nothing but admiring yourself in the mirror.
Harder than it sounds, but I accomplished this the week before last. Everyone should do this. I came twice, to make the time pass, and to keep from falling asleep. My legs are strong and getting quite toned. Hand puppets are great listeners. I feel a presence around me. Damn Ouija boards.

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