Saturday, 1 December 2012

On self-respect (I have it)

EDIT: Due to facebook's totally hypocritical standards, and fat phobic behavior, I've been banned for posting pictures of myself in bra and panties. 

I've been hearing a lot of what I can only bullshit lately, mostly in personal circles, more specifically from "friends" on facebook.

It usually starts something like this: Random facebook guy, whom I've never met, seen, or heard of, will send me a friend request. I accept them all, because I am on facebook to meet potential clients and make money. It has to be said that on my public profile, I CLEARLY state that I am hooker, and you should know this before adding me as a friend.

So, random dude adds me. Then he catches me online one day when I forgot to turn my chat off.

"Hi sexxy" he will start. Depending on my mood, I may or may not respond. Based on the treatment I've been getting lately, I'm leaning more often towards not responding.

Where am I from, they love to ask. What am I wearing? They love to tell me how sexy I am, and how HOT my pictures are making them.

Great, I think, a potential client. And I inform random dude that I am a hooker, and all pertinent info about me can be found on my website.

"Ohhhh... you're a pro?" random dude will typically say. "I had no idea". Right. Cause you saw boobs and your brain turned off. At this point, random dude will get weird and passive-aggressive. He'll keep talking to me, his tone becoming more and more patronizing. He'll extol the virtues of free sex. He'll ask if I've ever considered "just enjoying sex for its own merits" as though the only sex I've ever had is of the payed variety. He'll assume that I don't find him attractive, whether I do or not. He'll tell me how good he is in bed, or what a BIG HUGE monster of a penis is between his legs.

At this point, I've already stopped responding. I will gently suggest that if he'd like to continue talking with me in a sexually explicit manner, or in any manner, that he book an appointment and pay for my time. Getting random dudes off for free on Facebook is a seriously shitty business model, and it brings in exactly ZERO revenue.

Usually, around now, dude will do one of two things: tell me, with great pride, that he doesn't "pay for it", making me wonder WHY on earth he would friend-add a hooker. The second most common response is about self-respect, or my supposed lack of it. And this is where the bullshit begins.

So, if I am to understand this clearly... a strange girl you just met on facebook, who doesn't know you, is willing to have sex with you for free, and you think this is A-OK, and not a reflection of her self-respect. Yet, when the exact same girl expects cash in exchange for her time, (cause really, what more can you offer her?) she is somehow lacking in self-respect? REALLY?

This seems to be the popular attitude amongst these random strangers. But it doesn't stop with them. It's also the guys I ask out on dates, who don't want relationships with a sex worker, but have no issue fucking me for free and disappearing forever.

So, it's time to be explicitly clear about one thing: I charge people to have sex with me BECAUSE I respect myself. For my whole life, I've been a fat woman, and thus the bottom rung on the dating ladder. I've had one man after another run into my life, take what they want from me, and then disappear. When all I wanted was a loving, open, sexy relationship, all I ever got was dudes who were ashamed to be seen with me in public, yet worshipped me in private. A few years ago, I decided I'd had enough. So I started charging. I still wanted and needed sex, but I was tired of being used and fetishized for my body. I'm not the woman men want to date or marry. I'm the woman they want to experiment with, forget their troubles with, the one they want to use to make themselves feel better. Playing manipulative dating games, witholding sex, and pretending to be someone I'm not isn't really my thing, but this seemed to be the only way to keep a man interested in me. If I can't have a partner in my life, if I can't have the romance and love I so badly crave, and the sex that comes with it, then I will continue to have hot sex, but I will make money while doing it.

And do you know why? At the end of the day, most of you guys do not give two shits about me or any woman who "disrespects herself" enough to have sex with you. Most of you will go home to your thin, trophy girlfriends, or your clueless wives, and I will go to bed alone. So, what can you offer me besides the respect of paying for my time?

This is not to say that there is anything wrong with casual sex. There isn't. But for me, it was damaging my self-respect. Charging for people to access my body was a revelation for me. It's a way to make concrete the sexual power I feel within me. It's a way for you to show me that you appreciate me, and that I'm not just some fat bitch you're going to be embarrassed you fucked when you sober up. And if you are, I don't care, because I've been compensated for my time. I've been appreciated enough for you to hand over hundreds of hard-earned dollars for the pleasure of being with me.

So, before you, the random slut-man who is adding random, half-naked women to your facebook account, thinks to to even begin to judge me, look at your damn self and ask WHY on earth I would, or should, share myself with you for free? Did you approach me as a human being, a woman, or as a sex object to be used for your own release? Did you friend-add me because I'm interesting and intelligent and because you want to get to know me, or was it because I have amazing cleavage and sexy pics? You want to treat me like a whore, but you get angry when you discover that I actually AM a whore. And that is some fucked up shit right there.

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