Monday, 1 March 2010

He moved me...

I'm painting for the first time in a long time. And sketching. And I'm remembering the importance of sketching again and again and again. They evolve. My life is all about beauty. Creating, consuming, clutching. The clutching is problematic. So far I've covered two messed up canvasses. One in magenta and one in orange. What comes next is uncertain. I'm really afraid to paint. I'm even scared to put the pencil on the canvas. I'm afraid of mistakes, of it looking uneven, ugly and like a huge mistake. I'm afraid of it not looking the way I imagine it in my mind. But then it never really comes out the way I imagine it, my art. And that's always been ok. I'm just out of practice. I miss painting. Painting makes me horny.

Motivating myself lately has become tedious and difficult. Activism is keeping me somewhat busy, but I'm seriously contemplating getting a small dog. Maybe as a foster home...? Also, I feel affection starved but these things can not be forced.

And For the most part, I am very pleased with my growing, regular clientele. I'm missing some, for sure, but I'm meeting the most delightful guys lately, which is nice after a dry spell. I'm considering not seeing new clients for a while and looking forward to some travel in the Spring. Getting a passport this week!! First time ever!

Today was great. Pho Ho got me out of bed at a semi-decent hour and we did some outdoor photos, mostly flash shots, and then some inside. And I chatted with the coolest guy today and then I lost him. I am so very sad and hope he gives me one more chance... you know who you are, and I know you're reading this!

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